Lilith

or random conversations with my daughter and deep gratitude

I’ve been struggling this year, struggling to write, to feel OK, to find meaning. The things that usually help have not been as helpful in making it better. Perhaps it is the disasters in the North that overwhelm me. I haven’t wanted to write a post like this. Who wants to read something depressing, where you can see the person is drowning rather than waving.

What can I say that is constructive? Let me count my blessings.

Modjaji is still going 18 years later. I have lost count of the number of books I’ve published, but it is around 200. I’ve increased the happiness of at least 200 people for a period of time. How long does the pleasure and joy of having a book published last?

I saw on Instagram that Karin Schimke has two copies of the very first book Modjaji published back in November 2007, Megan Hall’s Fourth Child.¹ When we launched it Megan was pregnant with her first child. Who is now in matric! Her daughter is the same age as Modjaji. I was able to share this post with Megan who I imagine had at least a moment’s pleasure from Karin’s post. Karin shared 3 of Megan’s poems in her post.

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My daughter is at UCT in the second year of her BA. There is so much backstory in that one sentence. She is doing well academically, and I am learning new things, yesterday she reminded me of Lilith (from her course on Gender and Religion). Just in the short drive from UCT back home I was excited to think of the three of them - Adam, Lilith and Eve, and of how Adam must have felt left out when Eve and Lilith were eagerly discussing the many many things on their minds.

Adam wasn’t much of a talker, I decide. Lilith and Eve had so much to say to each other. Did the two women become lovers? Were they friends? Sisters? Sister wives? Why do the versions of the Bible I have read not mention Lilith? A quick look at Wikipedia reveals a richness to consider, a demon, temptress, seductress, stealer of babies, killer of babies, Adam’s first wife who was cast out. Someone that one needs to find ways to ward off, to be protected from with amulets, incantantion bowls, prayer and fasting. So many new thoughts. Was she created before Adam? She has been the focus of enormous attention from rabbinical scholars of the Talmud, the Kabbalah, and of scholars of ancient artefacts. Was she the one who ate the apple first? Thinking about Lilith even for a few minutes thrills me.

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Also, Modjaji has been in a very tight spot for a while, and moving distributors exacerbated that, so I decided to ask for help to keep the lights on at Modjaji. And help has poured in. We are rich in books, but have been poor in cash. People have bought the 5-book bundles in huge numbers, and we can keep the lights on, what an utter relief. It felt shameful to ask for help in this way, to admit that things were tough. I’m so utterly grateful to everyone who has shared the appeal, bought bundles, written me emails, texts, called and sent encouragement in one way or another. I realised that Modjaji’s existence means something to more people than I was aware of. I’m still breathing deeply, sending out books and checking the cash flow to make decisions about paying those who are owed money, how to share it out between everyone. Thank you to those who have been patient!

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1. I have a few copies of her beautiful collection left, DM me if you would like to buy one.