The mother wound
reflecting on a panel discussion at Kingsmead Book Fair
The Kingsmead Book Fair last month was a first for me. I loved it, the intensity of a one-day event, the way it was all in a small-ish space, a short walk from one venue to the next. The relaxed yet excited ambiance of writers, readers of all ages, the organisers, the press and whoever else was there made for a fun day. The panel I was invited to chair was - “The Mother Wound”, the books I read in preparation for the session were: Nozibele Mayaba’s Positively Me, Daring to Live and Love beyond HIV; Moshitadi Lehlomehla’s The Girl Who Survived Her Mother and Lisa Lazarus’s The Flight of the Dancer. I arrived in Joburg on the Wednesday afternoon before the Book Fair and spent the days reading the books carefully and thinking about them. It was a treat to be out of my normal life, reading on the stoep at my friend’s home, soaking up the warm sun during the day.
The mother wound is a different trope to the sentimental, often saccharine trope of motherhood we get from culture and the media which includes Mother’s Day, a commercial pressure to be grateful and to demonstrate our love for our mothers on that day by spending money.
In my book, my mother, my madness I write about the mother complex, I have spent most of my adult life in therapy, and the last two decades in Jungian analysis. The complex is related to our own mothers and our experience of being mothered/ unmothered, but it is also not about her, our personal mother.
The complex is an inner creation, a place we return to, an old house, and an old way that is so familiar and can feel easier to be stuck in. As we grow up we try to grow out of this, to individuate, to create our own lives and selves, and yet many things activate this old wound.
All of us grapple with the archetype of mother, our mothers are often only a pale shadow of the archetype. And sometimes a more savage, violent, cruel version. I’ve come to understand a mother is often an ordinary limited woman trying her best, often under dire circumstances.
The first two books were memoirs and Lisa’s was a novel, but she told us in the session that she first wrote it as a memoir, however, she was encouraged in her MA Creative Writing at Wits to rework it as a novel. She found this gave her the freedom to write the truth whereas she had felt more constrained in the memoir version.
Literary festival panels give the chair licence to ask what in other contexts might be rude or intrusive. I spoke to Nozibele about lying as a strategy she used to cope with her mother and the strictures she lived with as a teen and as a student. She was afraid of her mom’s disapproval, of letting her down, so she had a secret life, even when she was applying to study and for bursaries, she only told her mother when it was a done deal.
I asked Moshitadi to tell us more about how she was able to, in her words “air dirty laundry” a taboo in most cultures. None of the panelists could explain exactly how they came to terms with doing this, but just that eventually the compulsion they felt to tell their stories was stronger than the silencing pressure.
Moshitadi writes about her relationship with her parents. She was expected to be a “deputy mother” to a younger sibling, she was not allowed to be a child and had to escape if she wanted a rare chance to play with other children at the river. She grew up in an environment of beatings, shouting, violence, abusive language, threats and insults dished out by both of her parents. It felt peculiar to be talking so frankly to someone I had just met about some of the things we discussed in the session. The Girl Who Survived Her Mother was a painful read - her parents seem incapable of love. Once she left home the demands for money started.
The “Black tax” referred to in popular culture, is shown here to be punishing and onerous; Nozi’s giving of money to her mother was more like the black tax I am familiar with, but Moshitadi’s mother was cruel, manipulative, and demanding. I wondered if poverty was one of the factors that contributed to her parents’ cruelty. What might have made the difference? Moshitadi has broken the cycle of abuse, she escaped from her dire situation as a child into an adult world where she has made a life for herself. The two memoirs revealed how tough it is to grow up in poverty. Nozi’s book shows how little support mothers have, single mothers especially are often operating on empty.
All the books were partly a plea to their mothers to truly see them, accept them, and love them. “I wanted nothing more than my mother to see me,” says Nozi. “I didn’t tire of seeking my mother’s approval and validation,” from Moshitadi. When this was not forthcoming they had to learn other strategies for finding the elusive approval. The key thing for all the writers was the healing power of telling your story, in therapy, on paper to readers, and to yourself in your writing. All the panelists, myself included have been ‘in therapy’ for our ‘mother wounds’ and other issues. The powerful conclusion we all came to at the end of the session, is that those of us who have been wounded all need therapy. Nozi and Moshitadi spoke of learning to self-mother.
There was lots more we spoke about and many other issues that arose from the three books. If any of this resonates, do yourself a favour and read the books. They are inspiring. Here are some of the themes and issues that surface in the books.
Generational trauma
Scapegoating daughters
Alcoholism and addiction
Body shaming
Lack of self-esteem
Toxic relationships where childhood patterns are played out
Mothers’ jealousy of daughters, as her losses are triggered. Labeling their daughters as “smarty pants’ or “Tsibinki” when they are successful or achieve out in the world.
“You are a burden” - mothers convinced that her children owe her, that they ruined her life.
Health issues - physical and psychological - dissociating, suicidal thoughts, fainting, paralysis,
I was full of admiration for the women I met that Saturday afternoon, the things they had been through, their energy and commitment to healing, and to giving back to the world by telling their stories in writing, using podcasts, coaching, and on other social platforms.